


Coping Mechanisms

by WondersoftheMultiverse



Series: All you ever see, you ever hear, will all come crashing through [1]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Coping Mechanisms, F/F, Grief, post Timeless Children
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-12 07:54:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28507029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WondersoftheMultiverse/pseuds/WondersoftheMultiverse
Summary: It seemed so long ago now that you had travelled the universe, danger and excitement nipping at your heels as you would follow the lilac coat tails of the Doctor into new wondrous worlds. Once upon a time you would have been content with the mundane passing of life, happy to sit on the train for an hour in order to commute to your work, to earn the money you needed to live and survive.But all that had changed in a heartbeat, time’s metaphysical hands constantly ticking and pulling you forwards. You had finally found the adventure you had always yearned for, developed a purpose that extended further than waking up only to go to work.But now? This was the start of a new adventure. The aching heat of yearning and loss would pass eventually, you just needed time to adjust to a different pace again was all.
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor/Reader
Series: All you ever see, you ever hear, will all come crashing through [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2094123
Comments: 4
Kudos: 19





	Coping Mechanisms

The repetitive click of your boots hitting the cold concrete flooring slowed to a stop as you rounded on the dilapidated green door of your flat. Small puffs of condensation floated around you as the biting winter winds caressed the dry skin of your cheek. The air was filled with movement and life as the low whines of sirens rang out across the city, the golden street lights warming the horizon as the thick clouds which lingered above blocked out the very stars you had once walked.

Taking a shuddering inhale, you tilted your shoulder to dip your hand into your bag, your fingers rustling amongst the stray receipts and coarse leather edges of your purse as you sought out your keys. Plucking the jangling set from the depths, you glanced up at the brass numbers which hung awkwardly off the front of the door, the green paint of the wood flecked and peeling in places; crying for a fresh coat of paint. 

Pressing the key into the lock, you tried to ignore the burning pain which clutched at your heart.

It seemed so long ago now that you had travelled the universe, danger and excitement nipping at your heels as you would follow the lilac coat tails of the Doctor into new wondrous worlds. Once upon a time you would have been content with the mundane passing of life, happy to sit on the train for an hour in order to commute to your work, to earn the money you needed to live and survive. 

But all that had changed in a heartbeat, time’s metaphysical hands constantly ticking and pulling you forwards. You had finally found the adventure you had always yearned for, developed a purpose that extended further than waking up only to go to work.

But now? This was the start of a new adventure. The aching heat of yearning and loss would pass eventually, you just needed time to adjust to a different pace again was all.

Sliding the key into the cold metal lock, you relished in the soft click as the door to your apartment opened. The musty smell of dust hitting your nose as you submerged yourself into the thick shadows which lined the small complex of your flat. Closing the door, you kicked off your boots with a relieved sigh, your back aching slightly as you dropped down to pick up the stray letters that lined the floor. 

Flicking through the envelopes you hummed to yourself as you analyzed the small print of your name and address, your heart falling at the lack of any new and meaningful news or correspondence. It was a repetitive cycle now: all bills, cards and junk mail. Never small concealed notes stashed into the space equivalent of Amazon or flashing glowing cubes that would come bursting through your letterbox with an urgent plea for help.

“Alexa…” You sang into the air, your mind reverting into its usual rhythm as you walked towards the kitchen. “Turn on the lights.”

“Did you want me to turn on the lights?”

“Yes” You groaned as you rounded the small archway to your kitchen.

Throwing the letters blindly towards your small rickety kitchen table, you unzipped your coat and draped it across the nearby chair. In an instance the lights throughout the house flickered on, a soft whirring emitting from the small black puzzle box which sat atop the centre of your table. It was a familiar pattern signalling the end of another day, another uneventful 24 hours filled to the brim with mundane tasks and predictable eventualities. 

Closing your eyes you inhaled deeply once more, taking the rare moment of calm to ease your mind and forget the various stresses that had plagued you throughout the day. It was like flicking a set of switches in the back of your head, changing the gears of your car to settle back into the domesticated routine you had forcefully found yourself adopting once more. A routine which you had always lacked when staying aboard the TARDIS, with its long stretching hallways that took you on a new path every time you sought out the small homely kitchen that it would materialise.

“ _Oh_ , there you are!”

Your eyes flickered open at the recognisable Yorkshire lilt that filled your daydreams, a smile filling your features as you watched the Doctor’s head poke its way around the archway to your kitchen. 

The Timelord was as bright as ever as she dangled her head around the wall, her golden blonde hair shining under the harsh white lights of your kitchen as she scooted herself further into your field of vision. She was coping better than you had expected her to, the longing for adventure that plagued you seemingly missing from her features as she beamed at you. You had always found her optimism to be infectious, the ache in your heart easing slightly as the sharp tang of bitter sadness lingering on your tongue; muted for the time being. 

“I was wondering when you would be back.” The Doctor commented, her feet scuffing against the generic tiled floor as she sat herself down in the slightly ajar chair across from you. In her hands was a bundle of wires and electronics, the smooth oak wood of your radio instantly recognisable as it hung down haphazardly.

“What is _that_?” You instantly accused, your smile widening as you raised an eyebrow and peered down at the Doctor expectantly. “Because it looks like my old radio…”

The Doctor smirked triumphantly to herself as she wiggled into her seat and looked up at you, her head tilting to the side as she gestured to the mess of components that now lay sprawled out across your small kitchen table. The metal clips and switches seemed to have a slight sheen to them that didn't match what you had initially expected, their edges seemingly glowing with a light gold that didn’t match the harsh white light of your room. You put it down to the Doctor’s own handiwork, her hands gleaming with the sheen of grease and oil as she threw herself into her tinkering with little to no protection for her skin or clothes.

“It’s your old radio system.” She declared eventually, her eyes widening before flinching at the stern look that adorned your features.

“Sorry…” You quickly tagged on, her eyes shifting anxiously as she clipped the heels of her shoes together like a scorned child. “Can’t help myself when I’m bored. Used to moving around more, doing more, _running_ more!”

You scoffed as you walked past her and towards the array of cupboards that lined the nearby wall, your hands latching onto the handle as you pulled the wooden doors open slowly and rummaged amongst the towering stacks of soup and fast noodles. 

Upon returning to Earth you had little time to find a job that could easily support your lifestyle, sacrifices quickly being made as you opted for the cheaper food alternatives as opposed to the far flung move that put you completely out of the radius of Sheffield. It had been an easy choice to make at the time, especially in knowing that the Doctor held a small soft spot for the city since her eventful introduction to your lives. Sheffield was a new form of home for you all, the site of the Doctor’s regeneration and the meeting place for her new ‘Fam’. 

The city held far too many memories for the both of you to ignore, so moving further afield was immediately struck from the list of options which had been thrusted before you. 

Pulling yourself from your reverie you quickly spotted a spare tin of tomato soup at the back of the cupboard, its label dulled from the layer of dust and grime that coated it. Your stomach growled as you considered your limited options, your desire for a more substantial meal screaming in the back of your mind. Your straying mood was quickly distracted however by the low drawl of the Doctor rambling behind you, her voice sending a surge of warmth and relief through your veins. 

Turning the can over in your hand, you closed the cupboard. Tomato soup it was, you could sacrifice another fulfilling meal for one more night of wilful ignorance as you continued to hide away from reality. Especially seeing as the soup in question was one of the Doctor’s favourites.

“Not one for standing still-” The Doctor continued oblivious to the turmoil that filled you. Numbly you noted that her attention had switched back to the bundle of wires and electronics that remained sprawled before her, a fixture that would continue to captivate her for the rest of the evening.

“-except for that time I became a living statue for a year. Not sure if I’ve told you that story yet but it’s definitely one for the ages, a _classic_. All I’ll say is- it wasn’t my first choice but… it was a learning experience that’s for sure. _Maybe_ I should try it again?”

The Doctor paused and you could envision the lines that would blossom across her nose as she considered her rhetorical question once more, the slight shake of her head as she dismissed the notion entirely.

“Actually it’s probably for the best that I don’t do that again, I almost ended up in a museum last time.”

You laughed to yourself as you flicked on the stove and pulled free a small saucepan, your hands making expert work of the metal can as you tore open its lid and tipped out the contents. Moving the pan over the hob, you set the nearby timer to alert you within a few minutes. It was just another one of the reasons as to why the Doctor had seemingly developed an affinity for soup across your travels, highly nutritious and quick to prepare. That and she seemed comforted in the fact that there was a minimal risk of poisoning to humans.

“If you’re missing the running then you should sign up for a team or something.” You commented offhandedly, your eyes downturned as you retrieved a wooden spoon from the cutlery draw and began to turn the soup over slowly. 

“With your experience I’m sure you would outpace them.” You quickly added on with a smirk, “That and you could easily keep them entertained throughout it, god I would pay to see their faces when they find out you can easily run a mile while rambling endlessly.”

It was an image you could easily picture, the Doctor clad in her usual gear sticking out like a sore thumb amongst the array of amateur runners wearing the usual tight fitted array of leggings and tops. Their faces would be red and covered in sweat as they struggled to match paces with the rabbiting mop of blonde hair, her endless tirade of words and anecdotes leading them off on their route.

The Doctor remained silent as she continued to work on the array of electronics, the occasional hum emanating from the back of her throat as the soft clicks of her nails against the wooden housing filled the air. It was moments like these that you could easily forget about the growing void in your life, the thrilling surge of adrenalin a distant reminder in your mind as you settled into the domesticated ebbs and flows of life itself. It had taken you a few months but you had finally found a way to cope, a way to ease and debilitating ache that plagued your every waking moment, the burning anxiety that pushed you to seek for something more, to change what had happened.

But even _this_ wouldn’t last forever.

You froze, your mouth falling open as the soft bubbling of soup began to fill the air. Its pops and clacks reining your darkening thoughts in before they could stray too far.

“Does tomato soup sound alright?” You muttered to the air, your voice cracking more than you had intended it to. “Well not that you get much of a choice, little harder to get back on my feet again after a break in travelling.”

“Hm.” The Doctor hummed back, “Of course!”

Nodding to yourself at the confirmation you received, you frowned as a cold trail slipped down the side of your cheek, a wet sensation splashing across the skin of your hand. The Doctor’s tinkering and thoughtful hums drowned out from you as you slowly peered down at the countertop, your gaze trailing the skin of your hand as you became obsessed with the small circular splotch that nestled against your skin. Peering at the small splotch suspiciously, you quickly brushed the droplet away without a second thought, your cheek pressing into the soft cotton of your shoulder.

Suddenly a loud crackle sounded throughout the house, the lights flickering as they surged with energy. In the hallway, you heard the shattering of glass as your overhead light exploded, the rest of the house flashing before being swallowed in a wave of darkness. A shiver slipped down your spine as a cold chill swept through the halls, your breath catching in your chest as you waited patiently for the power to return.

Silence befell the room for the short few seconds it took for the lights to flicker back on, the power surge settled once more as you resumed the mission at hand; preparing dinner. 

The Doctor remained unfazed behind you as she returned to the puzzle she had created for herself, the brief power cut quickly becoming a new constant in your life as it seemed to strike at the same time almost _every day_. 

“On a scale of one to ten how _attached_ are you to your furniture?” 

The wooden spoon you had been stirring through the bubbling saucepan of soup froze in its place, your head tilting to the side as you regarded the lilac blur behind you with an element of suspicion. 

You would always love how the Doctor could quickly change the mood of a room, easing the anxieties everyone shared and dismissing your fears with a click of her fingers. It almost brought a warm smile to your features, your heart clenching in your chest as you quickly dismissed it for a more mildly agitated and suspicious glare.

“Why do you ask?”

“Just _wondering_ -”

Spinning on your heel, you pushed away from the countertop to return to your previous space before her. Raising the stained red wooden spoon upwards, you held the utensil out before you menacingly, or rather, as _menacing_ as a tomato soup stained spoon could be.

“Doctor…”

The Doctor winced as she set her tinkering down and finally met your eyes. The shimmer they held would always take your breath away, the light swirling mix of hues of hazel and green enrapturing your attention completely, their surfaces watering slightly as they gazed through you as though you were nothing but a ghost. They were the windows directly into her ancient soul, a betraying mark left over by her creators that provided any and all a direct gaze into the symphony of emotions that ravaged her heart. You would always be able to read her because of her eyes, the hurt and love she tried to hide on display for all to see.

Curling her lip, the Doctor’s eyes flashed with uneasiness as she scrunched up her nose.

“We _need_ to talk about your sofa.”

Another frustrated sigh befell you as you marched back to the steaming soup that demanded your attention, your response cut short by the shrill ringing of your timer as it signalled that your meals for the evening were ready. Throwing open the cupboard doors, you allowed the previous conversation to settle into silence as you started to dish up the bubbling mass of soup.

“Nothing?” The Doctor questioned hopefully from behind you, “Not as attached as I thought you might be then...”

“Do I _want_ to ask?” You muttered back, your tongue pressing against your lips as you tipped the remainder of the soup into a second bowl and placed the saucepan to one side. 

“Perhaps best not to.” The Doctor declared, her tone light and filled with a bright optimistic energy. “I just made a couple of adjustments…”

“Not again.”

“Hey now! Look on the bright side, you now have your very own portable microwave installed!” The Doctor’s eyes remained locked on the seat across from you as you placed her portion of soup down beside her. 

Careful not to knock any of the small trinkets sprawled out across the wood, you quickly fetched the Doctor her own spoon, the metal clinking against the bowl as you slipped it down into the mass of bubbling tomato soup.

Settling down into your own seat for the evening, you adjusted your chair so that the Doctor was sitting directly across from yourself, your stomach growling as the sweet notes of tomato filled your senses.

“Fancy huh?” The Doctor prompted again, her eyes shifting across your features as she sought your approval.

Remaining silent you instead plucked up the metal spoon beside you, your utensil twirling around your fingers before being dunked down beneath the thick waves of soup. With a loud and annoying slurp, you watched the Doctor closely as you began to tuck into your meal, your own eyes sparking with light hearted amusement as she sighed and slumped back down into her chair.

“You’re not happy about the microwave.” The Doctor muttered to herself, her head shaking as she ran a hand through her blonde locks. “ARGH! I knew I should have opted for the slow cooker.”

Swallowing the soup you felt your eyes water once more, your heart clenching as you sent her a watery smile. 

“Only you.”

The Doctor’s warm smile filled her features as she tilted her head, her gaze shifting between your eyes as she seemingly broke down your walls and searched for an unseeing answer. Clearing the dryness from your mouth, you dunked your spoon down into the warm soup once more, your eyes taking up the slowly cooling bowl by the Doctor as it sat forgotten for the time being.

“How was your day?” The Doctor questioned, her tone prying as she seemed to sense a shift in the mood of the room. “You were gone for a while there.” 

The question itself caught you off guard as your gaze snapped back to her own, the hot soup swirling around in your mouth before being forcefully swallowed. Her features seemed to melt as her head tilted to the side ever more, her eyes wide as she leaned forwards and awaited your response.

The pain and heartache that had trailed in your shadow throughout the day returned with a vengeance, the cold shadows wrapping around your heart as you felt your breath catch in your chest. The Doctor’s resonating warmth was too little too late now, the burning sensation of tears filling your eyes and threatening to destroy the tall walls you had built around your heart. 

Averting your attention to your evening meal, you turned your spoon through the red waves slowly, intent on avoiding the true answer that burned on the tip of your tongue completely.

“It was….” Your voice broke, your eyes fluttering closed as you sought to regain your composure. 

“It was oka-”

“Oh.” The Doctor hummed as she cut you off, “I don’t like that.”

You slowly turned your eyes upwards, watching as the look of disdain and worry melted from her features.

“Never trusted the word okay. It can mean a lot of things.” The Doctor paused, her teeth pressing against her bottom lip as she wetted them before continuing. 

“I once got into an argument over the word okay, tried to remove it from the English language back in the mid 1800’s.” She frowned, her eyebrows furrowed as she became lost amongst her memories. 

“It didn’t quite go to plan….” She finally lamented.

You forced a laugh as your stomach twisted with an anxious need, your heart racing in the confines of your chest as you struggled to maintain your attitude of indifference.

“I can tell.” 

The Doctor smiled sadly as she leaned forwards once more, her skin glowing in the light of the room as she wordlessly gestured towards yourself. 

“Shall we give this another shot then?” 

You smiled forcefully as you gave her your full attention.

“How are you really?” She questioned a second time, her voice stern and filled with compassion. 

With a roll of your eyes you found your usual response ready to roll off your tongue, a cold shiver trailing down your spine as you wilfully ignored the truth.

“I am fine, honestly I’m-” You paused, your eyes meeting the Doctor’s as they mirrored your own. For a moment you felt as though she was really seeing you, peering into your soul and cascading through the pages of your life as if they were a book. 

And suddenly you found yourself unable to lie to those eyes, that smile and mess of blonde hair. You couldn’t force the words from your mouth as your stomach curled with disappointment and heart ached for an alternative future, one in which nothing had ever changed, one where you were still exploring the stars in the impossible police box that travelled through time and space.

“Actually….” You whispered, the tears which had filled your vision bubbling forth and spilling down your cheeks as a tirade. It was as though the dams you had built were suddenly broken, the barriers lifted for your true feelings to pour out. 

“I’m… _I’m_ not ok.” The choked declaration made you drop your spoon, your hands covering your features as you hid away from the all knowing and caring gaze of the Doctor.

“I can’t believe it's been months _since_ \- since everything changed. Settling back into domestic life is a lot harder than I thought it would have been.” You paused, a watery smile tugging at the corners of your lips as you peeked at her from behind your fingers.

“You definitely need to whisk us all away as soon as everything is back to _normal_ and we have the TARDIS again, I’m dying for an escape already. Oh- and before you ask, I don’t _care_ if there’s danger, at this point I’m almost missing it.”

The Doctor’s teeth flashed as a small smile wound its way onto her features, her eyebrows curved as she invited you to continue bearing your heart. Nodding slowly, you relinquished your control to her, expelling the thoughts from your head and speaking them into existence in a moment that was long overdue.

“It’s not that I haven’t _missed_ my friends and family!” You defended, your arms curling around your chest in a self conscious hug. “I’ve loved every moment I’ve spent with them these past few months, it’s just hard adjusting is all.”

The Doctor nodded once, the hair which had been tucked behind her ear falling free and partially obscuring her face. Your fingers twitched against you as you longed to reach outwards and pull it back, revealing the sparkling cuff earring that had begun a staple along with her rainbow lilac outfit. Bitterly you quickly noted it was just another point on the long list of things you missed, a yearning for adventure, for your friends, for the chase and thrill of space, to feel the heat of her skin against your own as she took your hand and pulled you forwards into the unknown.

“It…” Your walls crumbled as your nose flared and began to run, the weight you carried on your chest unbearable.

“It almost feels like there’s a piece of me missing.” Swiping your tongue across your lips, you flinched at the salty taste that had settled from your falling tears. “-and I think that was travelling with you and the fam, seeing the stars and the adventures and... everything!” 

You flinched, still unable to speak into existence the truth that the others had so quickly come to accept.

“Truth is I haven’t seen the fam for a while now, Ryan and Graham seem to have slipped back into normality pretty well. Ryan switched up from the factory to work with kids, I don’t know the name exactly but he works with those who have had a pretty rough time of it.” You plucked up the spoon as you turned it through the soup once more, the bowl quickly going cold as your appetite disappeared, replaced instead with the pang of an unattainable souring need.

“Graham is doing well, the cancer still isn’t rearing its ugly head again which is a good sign.” You smiled as you recalled the team, your lives forever intricately woven together from the life changing experiences you had shared.

“Yaz is still a police officer, fighting crime one day at a time. She gives us updates regularly actually, although she probably needs to get more sleep rather than-” You groaned as you dropped the spoon more forcefully than you had wanted to, your eyes fluttering shut as you pulled on the breaks in your emotional derailment.

“-rather than doing whatever it is she does.” You muttered bitterly, your eyes slowly meeting the Doctor once more.

The Timelord remained silent as she simply stared, her face telling you a thousand words with one single look. She had always touted herself as a good listener, her body stilling for the few moments that you needed her, hands wringing themselves around your own as she tried in vain to remove the weight that would always bear down upon your shoulders. It had taken time to become more open with the Doctor, and although she was still to reciprocate the same, you had promised yourself that you would always be there for her when she needed it, whenever she needed it.

_Except you hadn’t been._

Brushing your hand against your cheek, you tried in vain to stop the tears that fell from your eyes, the hollowing sadness pulling you down into the darkness that you were forever trying to outrun.

“I should probably see them shouldn’t I?” You questioned, the corner of the Doctor’s lip twitching as she seemingly agreed. 

Nodding to yourself you fell back into your seat, your eyes turning upwards to the ceiling as you resigned yourself to the truth. You were torn, your heart pulling you into two different directions while your head screamed for clarity and reconciliation. Your family had been quick to push cards and numbers in your direction, therapy sessions and doctor’s notes sent your way, always excusing your reactions as a form of denial and childish negligence. The Fam had been a source of comfort at first, a group that you could fall back upon in your darkest of times but even then, they too had slowly started to grapple with the reality of the situation.

“I _can’t_.” You whispered to the room, your chest heaving as you took a deep breath. 

“I can’t see them because the moment I do, all of this just-” 

Screwing your eyes shut you shake your head, fighting back against the whispers that ran through your mind.

“Then I have to really finally _recognise_ that…”

A hiccup tore through your throat as you stomped your foot, your sadness burning into anger as you leapt from your seat and rounded the room, the palms of your hand pressing against your eyes as you brushed away the torrent of tears that had spilled down your cheek. Slowly you regained the limited control you had once held, your eyes fluttering open to find your disjointed reflection staring back at you through the cracked mirror that adorned your kitchen wall.

The mirror image of yourself stared lifelessly back, eyes red rimmed and gleaming with unfallen tears in the harsh light of the room. Your features were sunken and greying in places, hair matted and barely brushed back from the wind that had snaked its way across your features. You moved to turn away when you caught sight of the small polaroid picture tucked into the edge of the frame, a snapshot taken from a different time and place entirely.

Reaching outwards, you plucked the picture into your hands, your fingers caressing the glossy photo paper slowly as you smiled down at the group hug you had managed to capture. It was after a fairly calm mission with the Doctor to investigate a planet made entirely of gold, your arms were all wound together as you each squeezed in as close as possible to be captured in the freezeframe. Your own eyes met you once more, a completely different person standing in your place to the one that stared back at you through the cracked mirror now, her face fuller and filled with a beaming smile as she pressed her cheek against that of the Doctors.

Feeling the illusion break, you tucked the photo back into the edge of the mirror, your body twisting as you rounded on the Doctor. She remained as silent as ever, her head bobbing up and down as she continued to stare just above the chair you had vacated. Her hands remained pressed down against the table before her, the bowl of soup you had prepared cold and laying untouched by her side.

Just like it always was.

“You haven’t eaten your soup.” You commented sadly as you shuffled back to your seat, your hands wringing their way around the wood.

The Doctor remained impassive to the comment as she scoffed, the dimples of her cheeks returning as she grinned.

“Sounds like a rough Tuesday.” Her response sounded, her tone lighter than it needed to be. 

“Thing is there’s always going to be times where we feel completely and utterly hopeless, days where-” She paused, her hands flying through the space between you as she illustrated her point.

“-days where the universe feels like it’s piling up against us. But those days are always followed by the brighter ones, ones which are filled with hope. _Hope_ , Y/N is _all_ you need.”

The Doctor’s hand settled down against the table in the ground between you, her head tilting as she smiled at you warmly and reached out towards you.

“Everything will be _fine_ in the end.”

The tears you had banished returned as your features filled with a watery smile, your hand slowly reaching out towards her own that lay solitary in the centre of the table. Taking a deep and shuddering inhale, you pressed down against her skin, your fingers passing through her image as it shuddered from the contact. With a brief flicker, her hand disappeared and was replaced by your own, the rest of her pulsing in clarity as it flickered from the break in its image.

“You _always_ say that.” You muttered as your throat began to close, your body barely holding back the choked sob of grief you had been repressing for so long.

“Where are you, Doctor?” You questioned, your face crumpling in on itself as you felt the bitter pang of sadness return, your heart clenching tightly in your chest. “Where are you really because…”

“I _need_ you.” You whispered as you pressed your hand further down against the cool wooden table, “I need you more than I ever thought I could. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me, I should never have let you leave the TARDIS.”

The Doctor’s eyes softened.

“Doctor, please.” You pleaded, “There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you, and I want to do it in person. Please come back to me, to us-”

_“DOCTOR!”_

You flinched at the ghostly voice that filtered through the room, a distant echo of your own from a lifetime ago.

_“Where are you? I think we’re ready to go!”_

The Doctor’s hand was wrenched back as she quickly jumped up from her seat, her eyes wide as she glanced across her shoulder to a far off point. Turning back to face you, she flinched as she reached out for the small black box that sat perched as the centrepiece of your dining table.

“Ah. _Well_ … ‘prank’ over! _Surprise_!” The Doctor sighed, her smile bright as she toyed with the box. “Ryan’s idea… thought it would be fun. First practice run though, finally got a use for this old echo technology.”

Her eyes widened as she glanced up towards you, her smile addicting as she playfully laughed.

“Don’t tell yourself though! Ruins the fun. I did that once with a surprise party, It doesn't have the same effect when you know, it just became a party in the end!” 

The ghostly call of your voice filled the room once more, her body jolting as she jumped in place.

“Oh, well… got to go!” She smirked, her head inclining slightly. “See you around!”

The image of the Doctor suddenly froze, her hands held in place as she stared lifelessly ahead. 

Retracting your hand from the table, you leaned back into your chair, the wood creaking as you settled down. Slowly the tears which had spilled from your eyes subsided, the edges of your sleeves swiping across your cheeks as you dispelled their existence entirely. Your bag rumbled as your phone began to vibrate from inside, your hands delving into its depths once more as you plucked it free and turned it over in your palm.

**_6 missed calls - Yaz_ **

Sighing, you turned your eyes up towards the flickering image of the Doctor, her eyes still somehow watching you as though she was silently surveying your actions. Your lip trembled as you turned back to the phone, your finger swiping across the screen as you opened up your messages and started to formulate a reply to the string of concerned question marks that had been sent your way. You would call them later in the evening, after you had enjoyed your food and settled down from the emotional vice that your heart had been pulled through.

Who knows? Perhaps she had made a breakthrough in her research.

_Unlikely though seeing as it had already been eight months._

Placing your phone back down against the table, you turned to the black box beside you. It was a strange device that had quickly found purchase in your heart, your most prized possession from the Doctor whose value had quickly exceeded that of any jewel of diamond you owned. Slowly your fingers trailed the warm wooden casing, your eyes surveying the jerry rigged mess of wires that plugged into the back off of one of your kitchen lamps, the wires exposed and fragile to the environment around you.

Tapping the centre piece of wood, you pulled back the small cover which housed a tiny display unit. Pressing your finger to the cool glass, you dragged the digit across the expanse of the screen, watching sadly as the Doctor’s image slowly reversed in its actions and replayed the same routine you had come to memorise across the lonely months without her.

Spotting the precise point you needed, you reached out for your half empty bowl of soup, your finger tapping against the screen once more. In an instance the lights flickered, the power to your small flat cutting out before returning again within a blink of an eye, the all too realistic image of the Doctor tinkering away on your old radio before you.

“Hey uh-” You gestured to the cold half bowl of soup that sat beside the Doctor, your spoon gesturing to the forgotten meal. “If you’re not eating that, do you mind?”

The Doctor’s eyes remained trained on the mess of wires between her hands as she tinkered away, her eyes scanning the elements closely as she nodded to herself.

“Hm?” She hummed, those wide green and hazel orbs briefly meeting your own eyes as she glanced upwards. “Of course!”

“Thanks” You smiled back, your hands swiping the bowl away as you rested it beside your own.

Staring down at the soup, you felt your chest constrict at the significance it represented, the growing void that had been developing in your life too large to ignore. Turning to the Doctor’s image, you knew that you would have to eventually say a permanent goodbye to the hologram, moving on with your life and processing the grief that you were so keen to ignore. 

With trembling fingers, you poured her half of the soup into your own bowl.

You knew deep down that your way of processing things was unsustainable, the small black echo box proving to be a larger drain on power than you had anticipated, the power bills too high for you to sustain by yourself on a measly minimum wage. It had been the main driving factor in the sacrifices you had made, your quality of life a second factor to the small brief shadow of the person you loved.

Looking up at the Doctor, you felt your teary eyes return.

_You were never any good at saying goodbye._

Halting in her actions, the Doctor glanced up towards you, her eyes just missing yourself from where you had shifted your chair earlier. Shuffling across, you fell into her line of sight once more, a large spoonful of cold soup thrusted into your mouth as you waited expectantly for her next line.

Rolling her head to the side, the Doctor raised a single finger. 

“On a scale of one to ten how attached are you to your furniture?” 

**Author's Note:**

> NOW CONTINUED IN LETTING GO!  
> Enjoy!


End file.
